Okay, so only two of those things actually happened (on-camera at least), but there are still plenty of other things we've learnt from Tim Cook and friends.
If you didn't manage to catch the live stream, or simply want to jog your memory of what went down at Apple HQ, then we've covered all the best bits, right here.
1) Apple really wants to be the good guy (Part 1)
Eagerly anticipating new iThings? Well tonight, you were made to wait for your gadget fix, as Apple took advantage of a captive audience (of viewers at least) to big itself up.
First, we got the latest round in Tim Cook Vs The Man, with the Apple leader calmly socking it to the FBI.
"We built the iPhone for you, our customers, and we know it is a deeply personal device,” he told the audience to loud applause. “We need to decide, as a nation, how much power the government should have over our data and our privacy. We owe it to our customers and we owe it to our country. This is an issue that impacts all of us, and we will not shrink from this responsibility.”
Thanks, Tim. Seems you’re just as much of a hippy at heart as Steve Jobs was.
2) Apple really wants to be the good guy (part 2)
Next up: iPhones! Nope, the environment.
We’re not about to criticise that decision, given that it affects the future of our planet and all who live on it - although we would happily have had the info in a press release rather than in 10 minutes of a live event.
Anyhoo, the upshot is that Apple is greener than ever, with 93% of its facilities running on renewable energy and 99% of the paper in its packaging either recycled or from sustainable sources. It’s also made a robot called Liam which takes iPhones apart for recycling and which would undoubtedly do a better job ruling America than Donald Trump.
3) Apple can do niche movie
Tucked in the middle of this ‘Liam chat’ was a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it reference to the worst movie of all-time: Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa,” complained Siri to Lisa Jackson, Apple's vice president of Environment, Policy and Social Initiatives. And lo, the world’s best-known artificial intelligence assistant has now entered its hipster phase.
4) Apple really wants to be the good guy (part 3)
Finally, iPhones! Nope - next up was HealthKit. Again, it would be churlish of us to criticise given the great work that Apple is doing in this area, so we won’t.
As well as reminding us how much everyone loves HealthKit, Apple announced the new CareKit platform, which will sit alongside ResearchKit to help patients manage their individual care regimes.
Rather than being an app itself, CareKit will enable care providers to create individual apps for patients. For instance, one of the first helps Parkinson’s sufferers track the effectiveness of the drugs they’re taking, while another uses the accelerometer to test patients’ range of motion following an operation.
It’s hard to see what Apple gets out of it beyond good PR and possibly making doctors and sick people more likely to use iPhones, so we’ll assume they really are just doing these things to be nice. That doesn’t mean we forgive you for that U2 album though, Apple.