Goat Simulator: Live the life of a goat, in a Michael Bay film

Jason Godfrey is a goat. Well, not exactly, but he reviews the action-packed game that puts him in the hoofs of one

Like millions of others I’ve been plagued by the question of what it would be like to live in the world of a capra aegarus hircus or--to those who are Latin impaired--a goat. 

The beginning

When I heard about the game, Goat Simulator, I was so elated I wished I had been wearing adult diapers! Finally a game that would open up the wonderfully exciting world of The Goat!

I couldn’t wait to start foraging through shrubbery for food, find a mate, and all the while avoid goat pitfalls like hoof rot and caprine arthritis. When I started the game and was put in a decidedly urban environment, I was a little shocked as typical goat habitat would have been a meadow but I rationalized goats have been known to eat cardboard and even tin cans so I was looking forward to the challenge.


I crossed the street in search of food and was promptly hit by a vehicle, but instead of being killed or horribly maimed, I was awarded points and an achievement status. Being hit by oncoming traffic doesn’t seem like a very realistic goat goal, but I proceeded with the game anyway.

Soon I realized that everything in this simulated goat world seemed to be packed with explosives as running and making contact with cars, gas pumps, and sometimes even garbage containers resulted in giant explosions that sent my goat hurtling through the air, little goat hoofs flailing, tongue flapping in the breeze.

None of these explosions killed my goat. And what’s more, I received points for them. I had pictured being awarded for eating efficiently and avoiding situations that can actually kill goats, rather than for making things explode. Again, I questioned the reality of this simulation.