What to expect from Apple’s September 12 event

New iPhones? Yep. A new Apple TV? Maybe. Headphone jacks? You’re having a laugh

Blow up a hype balloon and peer into the future via entrails you’ve (worryingly – seek help) strung about, because it’s Apple event time. On 12 September, Apple will reveal all about shiny new devices you’ll immediately want to own.

If you’re in the US and gave Apple a magic eyebrow wiggle, you’ll be seated at ‘their place’ (Apple Park’s Steve Jobs Theater). For everyone else, there’s the live stream, which will start at 6pm in the UK (10am US Pacific time) – and require you use Apple kit or Edge to watch, because Android users are not worthy.

Until then, Stuff has pulled on its best guessing trousers to help pen the most perfect* Apple event predictions list on the entire internet.

* Unless some of these are wrong, in which case, just pretend this is satire or something.

iPhone Pro

iPhone 8? iPhone Pro? Whatever Apple’s next iPhone’s called, you know it’s going to be a bit special. The rumour mill’s been all over it like an iRash, and so we’re well prepared for a wallet-thumping device that’s mostly screen, has an amazing camera, and – gulp – lacks a Home button. Because Apple can’t stop itself removing things from iPhones.

Likelihood rating: Is the sky blue?

iPhone 7s and 7s Plus

Apple usually tick-tocks iPhone releases, with ‘s’ lines every other year. The iPhone 8/Pro/OH GOD MY WALLET throws a spanner in the works, but it’s unthinkable Apple would leave every other iPhone to lag behind its rivals. So expect some modest updates, probably an ‘s’ badge, and for existing 7 models to bump the 6s (and, bar on the SE, headphone jacks) from the line-up.

Likelihood rating: Are Apple earbuds white?

No new iPhone SE, iPads or Macs

Apple’s mini iPhone got spec-bumped earlier this year, and the new iPad Pro launched at WWDC. New and upgraded Macs have been arriving like clockwork too. It’s unlikely we’ll see much of these lines at what’s traditionally an iPhone event, then, unless Apple fancies showing off the iMac Pro again.

Likelihood rating: Are, er… OK, we’re done with the colours thing. Just take this one as read, too.

iOS 11’s release date

Given that it’s in public beta, there aren’t many iOS 11 surprises lurking. Perhaps the new iPhone will get new gestural smarts, but that’s about it. What we don’t yet know is the release date. Tim Cook might do a dramatic pause and then say “today”; if not, expect it to power up your iPad and more besides by the end of September.

Likelihood rating: Cmd+C. Cmd+V.

Apple TV 4K

A new 4K Apple TV seems likely – although we’re hoping for a bit more. And even if there’s spangly tvOS magic we don’t yet know about (multiple user profiles, please), Apple could blaze through everything to do with Apple TV in a few minutes. It depends whether Apple wants to focus purely on iPhone, really. Well, and whether a new Apple TV’s actually ready.

Likelihood rating: About the same as you grabbing the Siri Remote in the dark and it being the right way up when you try to use it.

Apple Watch Series 3

Apple Watch is in much the same space as the Apple TV. We know a new one’s on its way – it’s just a question of when. But given that – GPS rumours aside – Apple’s wearable remains more iPhone accessory than standalone unit, the Series 3’s introduction at an event with a shiny new iPhone makes a lot of sense.

Likelihood rating: About the same as you raising your wrist and your Apple Watch’s face lighting up.

Loads of people to freak out about Apple prices

Rumour has it the flagship iPhone’s going to be properly expensive, starting at $999 (which will translate to close to a grand in Sterling). Other iPhones won’t be cheap either. Yet this will come as a huge shock to some people who’ll argue the sky is falling, and Apple is doomed (for the billionth time).

So here’s one prediction we’ll make that will definitely come to pass: that new iPhone’s going to sell like hot cakes, even if it costs a grand.