Everyone knows that festivals aren't about real camping - just like playing Rock Band VR isn't the same as headlining Glastonbury.
Instead, it's a battle against mild discomfort and your own rusty survival skills. Oh, and depending on where you are, some highly inconvenient weather.
Of course, there's nothing quite like the smug satisfaction of being more prepared for festival life than your camping cohorts, so we've rounded up this year's best accessories for surviving the mild dangers ahead.
The headliners might be strong, but your gadget line-up will be even better...
The rain repeller: Patagonia Cloud Ridge Rain Jacket (£225)
Rain is such a festival staple that it rightly ought to appear on the poster. Fend off unwanted showers with this packable Patagonia number. Three layers of coated recycled polyester will keep you warm and dry without the bulk of a proper raincoat. Unless you go mud diving, that is.
Besides stopping the drops, it’s both windproof and breathable, so even if your Glastonbury dreams go sideways in a downpour of hurricane proportions, it should keep you both dry and sweat-free.
The beer chiller: HydroFlask 64oz Growler (£57)
Keeping drinks cool is a losing campsite battle - unless you get a Hydroflask Growler. A 1.8L stainless steel flask, it keeps fizzy beverages chilled and crisp for up to 24 hours, thanks to double wall insulation and a leak-proof seal.
Yes, it’s bigger than a clutch of bottles stuffed in your trusty backpack, but it’s also sturdy and offers a weight saving over the equivalent number of tinnies. The carrying handle makes shifting it a cinch, too. Pair it with one of HydroFlask’s True Pint cups (carefully designed to optimise refreshment) and you’ve a proper portable party.
The ear defenders: Flare Isolate Pro Mini Titanium (£50)
It might be all about that bass, but your weekend won’t be buzzing if your head’s busy banging. These tiny ear plugs use titanium to block dangerous noise levels, while still letting detail in via bone conduction. And, because it’s an entirely physical process, there’s no degradation in sound quality.
Admittedly, they do block out a little more sound than hardcore rockers might like, but it’s still perfectly possible to hold a conversation with them in - not to mention enjoying a heady (if muted) gig.
The illuminati: Glow tape (£7.99)
Headtorches make for great fun at festivals - except when the one wearer goes walkabout. Share the night time light instead with this Glow Tape.
Adhesive to almost anything (tents, chairs, bodies), with a bit of pattern crafting it’s the perfect tool for post-gig tent identification - without a battery in sight.
The hands-free cam: Snapchat Spectacles (£129)
Isn't it great when you're standing behind someone at a gig and they're holding up their phone to record the whole thing? Not really, which is why these video-recording sunnies are (nudge, wink) such a good idea for festivals.
Okay, the Spectacles can only record ten-second HD videos, so you won't be able to record a full performance unless you're watching a thrash metal band do their set of micro-songs. But the case's battery does handily last for about a week, and it's the only way to record your ride on the festival zipline while carrying two beers.
The indestructible charger: EasyAcc Rugged Power Bank (£34)
There are two certainties in festival life: a near-death incident with your pop-up tent, and all of your friends forgetting their backup battery.
If only one highly organised person had brought an indestructible, waterproof battery with enough capacity to recharge your average smartphone five times over.
Buy this power bank, and you'll be that popular person, particularly when your tent pals find out it doubles as a flashlight too. In fact, you'll easily get the £34 back in 'thank you' beers, so it basically pays for itself.
Light the way home: UCO Tent Stakelight (£27)
There's nothing quite like a festival faceplant after tripping over some guy ropes. And, no, you definitely weren't drunk, it was just really dark!
Luckily, these AAA battery-powered tent pegs will both mark the spot of those pesky ropes and help you find your tent at the end of the night.
A couple of our pegs needed a little convincing to turn on and off, but were fine after a few presses. In fact, the only real problem might be that someone else will have 'borrowed' them by the time you get back from the headliner.