IFA 2009: Philips press conference 2009

11:05 Philips press conference about to begin. Hippy-dippy music. A voice-over says "3D TV is the ultimate dream for consumers." My ultimate dream is

11:06 Our host for this thrill ride is Andrea Ragnetti, CEO of Philips Consumer Lifestyles. He's straight in there with the obligatory reference to the "economic troubles". He also has absolutely fantastic eyebrows, he could give Noel Gallagher a run for his money.

11:07 We can expect lot of consumer lifestyle products including home appliances – there'll be blenders as much as there are TVs, 3D and Blu-ray excitements.

11:08 First announcement: the Robust kitchen appliances range. It's inspired by amateur cooks. That'll be me then. Special tool for making beans on toast?

11:09 Here's a video of Wolfgang, the chief engineer of the Robust Collection. He's very serious about blenders. In fact, he bloody loves blenders.

11:12 Home lifestyle is over now. We're on to consumer electronics. Thank the gadget gods for that.

11:13 "Truly immersive cinematic viewing experience…" here comes Cinema 21:9, Philips seriously heavyweight aspect ratio telly. It's quite a beast.

11:14 The Philips 21:9 will mean you can watch movies without irritating black bars on the screen. It'll auto-format, so 16:9 content won't look strange either.

11:19 LED backlighting and direct LED backlighting and LED Pro – boy Philips has a lot of terms for LED backlighting.

11:20 Now we're on to connectivity. New content partners for Philips Net TV. Youtube and Ebay are in there of course. But "consumers want local content" – lots of new local language services.

11:21 Net TV is on all Ambilight TVs.

11:22 New: third generation Aurea TV – thinner bezel. New: 8644 TV, 39mm thick at the fattest part.

11:23 Philips is showing a 21:9 3D TV prototype.

11:24 "3D TV is the ultimate dream for consumers." There it is again. Lots of talk about depth impression and sharpness. Third 3D TV pitch of IFA 2009. But this time, glasses are going to get poo pooed a bit. Philips is very committed to Stereoscopic research. Panasonic and Sony both love the active glasses.

11:25 Philips is working on all three methods. The prototype Philips is showing has polarised passive glasses. A little bit boring compared to the other two methods. Philips is waiting for "consumer demand" and is promising 3D Blu-ray players and TVs when people and content are ready. "It is not clear yet whether consumers are ready to watch TV with glasses." Philips is refraining from grand announcements. Ho hum.

11:26 Philips are talking about quad full HD screens. That would be eye bleedingly sharp.

11:27 A prototype for a 3D Blu-ray player is on show too. We'll get a look at it for you.

11:32 Philips HD TV link – wireless HDMI. Connect all HDMI certified devices within a range of 20M.

11:33 New Philips Go Gear player – the Philips Go Gear Muse. It's a nice looking but hardly thrilling media player. Active Noise Cancelling built-in to the player's headphones. That is cool but leave you stuck with the buds you get in the box.

11:38 Now we're on to notebook accessories and healthy life stuff. I'll keep this brief – toothbrushes, notebook cushions. SoniCare for Kids, a nice coloured toothbrush that trains children how to clean their teeth. I could probably do with one.

11:39 Philips Wake Up Light, now includes one with iPod dock. Will wake you up as the light comes up and add your music.

11:40 Philips Go Light Blue – a jetlag fighting device. I'm a bit dubious about that one.

11:41 Sex toys…seriously. He's very straight-faced about it. "Intimate massagers". I would honestly titter a bit. "The most satisfying sex toy for couples." Oh really…

11:42 Sex expert lady now telling us all why we should get a sensual massager. Apparently using one is "good for the stability of society". Right, don't riot, go home and buzz on this.

11:43 He's on to stats now, 40% of couples have used a "sex aid". Go on, admit it, YOU have haven't you.

11:49 Ends with video of 50 Cent to illustrate the capabilities of the 21:9 TV's movie style visuals. Moving from sex toys to 50 Cent – from a fake knob to a real knob in one smooth move. To make it all the more disturbing, Fiddy is dressed like a scary clown.