If you're sipping a glass of XO Cognac while surveying your oilfields then the recently unveiled £7000 Vertu Ti probably won't decimate your bank account.
For the rest of you who can't afford its titanium body, sapphire crystal display and personal concierge service, fear not – you can still stand out from the crowd at a fraction of the cost, with these outlandish smartphones.
Geiger counter phone – Sharp Pantone 5
Unless the world goes all Fallout 3, you'll (hopefully) never ever need the built-in Geiger counter that's the standout feature of Sharp's Japanese handset. It's still one hell of a feature to one-up your mates during an alcohol-fuelled tech battle. "Try finding an app for that," you'll triumphantly shout at them, before slumping over the table in a champagne-induced stupor. You winner, you.
Quad SIM phone – S3 mk2 world phone
Don't let the S3 in this handset's moniker fool you. It's about as far away from Sammy's flagship Android powerhouse as you can get. But see those four crazy green call buttons? That's not a Photoshop boo-boo – it's the only external evidence of the four simultaneous SIM cards that this quad band handset can simultaneously juggle. Double agents, adulterers and serial contract signers, meet your dream phone.
Starfish phone – C99 quad band star-styled phone
This quad band sea-inspired phone has looks to match its spec sheet – and we don't mean that in a good way. From its 0.3MP camera to its 1.8in 240x320 display, it can't be cast into the fires of gadget hell fast enough. We'll give it one thing though – you'll stand out like a suit at a Slayer gig.
Address book phone – John's phone
Mobile phones can't possibly get simpler than this. No big screen, no text messaging, just big numbers and a tiny display to see what numbers you've dialled. As for your contacts? They're stored in an honest-to-goodness paper address pad, with fancy a fancy in-built ink-dispensing writing stylus. Or a pen, in layman's terms.
Projector phone – Samsung Galaxy Beam
Screen not big enough? Dying to share that adorable video of your dog destroying your scatter cushions with your fellow commuters? The Galaxy Beam with its built-in 50in 15 lumen projector has you covered.
The Stuff Lent Gadget Fast – Day 0