Drop everything and download: Battle Golf Online

Golf without the legwork, and with submarines lurking in the water? We’ll take a swing at that!

Golf! All that walking around feels a bit much like hard work, hence Stuff’s recommendation that you instead sit on your backside and thwack virtual balls instead. In Battle Golf Online, the club-wielding heroes have seemingly had much the same idea, in the sense that they barely move.

Instead of battling it out across fairways dotted with ponds and sandpits, the two players stand at each side of a lake. Holes periodically spring up, whereupon the golfers can start smacking balls at it – or, unsportingly, at each-other.

How do you play?

With one thumb, and some deft timing. Essentially, you have to tap the screen twice: once to stop an oscillating directional arrow, and a second time to determine the power of your shot. Your ball then heads towards the hole or the drink, depending on how inept you are.

The twist is that someone else is doing this at the same time, in a frantic first-to-five race. And unlike in the original Battle Golf  (Android/iOS), which was a resolutely local-only title, that someone could now be anywhere in the world. No longer, if you get a bit obsessed, do you have to bribe friends and favourite pets into playing just a few more holes.

Any downsides?

A couple. Quite a few players will try to steal a march on their opponent by hitting the ball before a hole’s surfaced from the lake. Apparently referred to as the ‘power shot’, this technique can sometimes transform Battle Golf Online into hit-and-hope central.

Also, longevity’s perhaps a bit questionable. This is a simple game without much variety, and there’s no way yet to pick a specific person to battle.

Still, there are daily quests, daft hats to collect, a local AI mode for the friendless and people lacking a web connection, and it’s breezy, silly fun. So what more do you want? Blood? Divots? You monster.

Where can I get it?

You can grab Battle Golf Online from Google Play and the App Store. It costs absolutely nothing, so only avoid it if you hate golf, fun, or – most of all – a heady combination of golf and fun.