What to expect from this week's Apple iPhone 7 event

New iPhones? Check! Headphone jacks? Controversial! New Macs? Computer says no

Feed the hype hamster and stare intensely at tea leaves, because it’s Apple Event time. On September 7, Apple will unveil shiny new things it wants you to buy.

If you’re stateside and Apple’s best mate, you’ll have a seat at San Francisco’s Bill Graham Civic Center. If not, there’s the live stream, which starts at 9pm in the United Arab Emirates (10am US Pacific Time). You can watch using an Apple TV, Safari on macOS/OS X/iOS, or Edge on a PC. (On Android? Follow our live blog. And grumble about Apple not letting you just use Chrome.)

Until then, Stuff has doffed its best guessing hat to pen ten predictions about the September 7 Apple Event, all guaranteed to come true*.

* Unless they don’t, obviously.

iPhone 7 and iPhone 7 Plus

You know the drill – new iPhones arrive like clockwork, and we expect to soon coo over the iPhone 7 and iPhone 7 Plus. They will be faster! The cameras will be better – with a dual camera on the Plus! There might be new colours! One thing there won’t be, however, is a headphone port. Boo and, indeed, hiss.

Likelihood: A dead cert – Although whether the new iPhones will do enough to reclaim the smartphone top spot is another matter.

No New iPhone SE

We like the iPhone SE – 6s guts crammed into a 5s case. For the small of hand and restricted of pocket, it’s an excellent device. But we doubt it’ll get more than a cursory mention at the event, given that the SE was only released earlier this year. Apple won’t want a cheaper iPhone stealing the limelight from new flagship devices.

Likelihood: High – If we’re lucky, we’ll get an update in early 2017.

Updated iPad Pro 12.9

At Stuff, we love iPads of all sizes; but sales continue to slide, and it’s hard to see iPads taking pride of place on the 7th. That said, the 12.9in iPad Pro lacks goodies found in its smaller sibling, and those could be covered as a quick slide that’ll make iPad fans beam. Unless they only last week bought an iPad Pro 12.9.

Likelihood: Middling – iPad events usually come in October, but if not much is happening this year, iPad could squeeze into the September show.

Apple Watch 2

According to industry rumblings, the Apple Watch 2 will be thinner (hardly surprising, given Apple’s obsession with shaving away devices until they can be used by ninja assassins). It should be faster, too, and there have been rumours about a higher-end model with GPS and a barometer. Expect the wearable’s visual appearance to remain fairly similar, though, bar the inevitable introduction of a billion new straps.

Likelihood: Middling – Apple Watch and iPhone are joined at the hip, but Apple Watch might command an event of its own when major changes occur. More minor ones, however…

Tech spin to make your head spin

Apple mercifully dialled down the dad gags and graphs in recent events, but still spins in a manner that’d impress Malcolm Tucker. Expect something derogatory about Android’s ‘newest OS’ installs (despite Android having a much higher user base) and an explanation about how removing an industry-standard headphone port from the iPhone is beneficial to people who can now no longer use perfectly good headphones with an iPhone and their other devices, unless they buy an Apple dongle.

Likelihood: About the same as the sun rising in the morning.

New Macs and Apple displays

The rumour mill is in overdrive about a fancy new MacBook Pro (with OLED strip in place of function keys, Touch ID, and more), and Mac fans are desperate to know what’s going on with the iMac, Mac mini, Mac Pro and Apple displays. But indications are this won’t be the event where you’ll get to see any updates.

Likelihood: Probably not – October, apparently. And by ‘apparently’, we mean ‘perhaps’. And by ‘perhaps’, we mean ‘we hope’.

iOS 10, watchOS 3, and macOS Sierra

Apple can’t resist showing off lovely new OS features at events, which is fair enough – software as much as hardware differentiates Apple from the competition. Expect demos and a September release date for iOS and watchOS 3, demos and a vague ‘fall 2016’ date for macOS, and some kind of tumbleweed sound effect for tvOS.

Likelihood: About the same as you inserting periods instead of spaces when typing on an iPhone.

Tim Cook declaring war on the EU

He seems like a lovely guy and comes across as mild-mannered, but Tim Cook appeared miffed when responding to the European Commission’s decision to penalise Apple to the tune of €13 billion over its tax arrangements in Ireland.

People often note Apple’s financial clout is akin to a small country’s, and while we won’t see a war in any traditional sense (unless iOS devices and MacBooks are actually armed-to-the-teeth Transformers – no wonder they’re all sealed units these days), a war of words and lawyers is likely. But not on stage.

Likelihood: no chance – Cook’s probably seething, but too classy to vent at an Apple Event. But if he suddenly turns to camera and snarls “Now, my pretties!”, we’re making a run for it.