Defend your desk: Stuff's strategy guide to workplace diplomacy
Don’t be deceived by friendly tea runs and comfy swivel chairs – the office is a battleground and should be treated thusly. Arm yourself with these top desk defences so you can feel truly secure in your home away from home.
Portal 2 USB Sentry Gun
US$40 (£25) thinkgeek.com
Any Portal-playing veteran will start running upon hearing the words, "I see you." All others who wander in the motion detecting, USB-powered Sentry Turret’s path will be met with wings opening and bullets flying (well, bullet sound effects). If that’s not enough to scare them off at least you’ll hear the guns – or, when it’s knocked over, phrases like "critical error" and "I don’t hate you." Then you can teleport them to the other side of the office with your Portal gun.
Spy Camera Pen
What better way to hide a covert camera than in plain sight? Plonk this fully working pen with micro camera in your pen pot and even when you’re away your desk is being watched – for up to 15 hours before filling the 2GB memory. Recharge (after the 1 hour of life it offers when unplugged) and transfer files via USB ready to catch that office pen thief. Unless they've stolen the spy camera pen, of course.
iLaunch Rocket Launcher for iPhone
US$80 (£50) thinkgeek.com
Defend your desk with ground to air missiles that fire 25 feet, all controlled from your iPhone. Hiding beneath your desk while firing is optional.
If all other lines of defence have failed and you’ve fallen back with nothing but some sauce packets or a bottle of ketchup left over from lunch – you can still survive. Load up the condiment gun and everyone will cower back in fear. Alternatively use it to source friends by distributing flavour to everyone’s sarnies.
Stinger Missile RC Helicopter
Sometimes the best defence is a good offence. Send the Stinger chopper into enemy territory and obliterate all threats with a barrage of 6 missiles and dazzling lights while auto hovering. Just don't go crashing it into people's faces.