10 worst iPhone apps ever

Wherever there is innovation, there will also be idiots. While the iTunes App Store bristles with brilliant iPhone apps like Evernote and games like Paper Toss and Pocket God, there's also a tsunami of toss. Here's our foul five, the worst apps iTunes has to offer. 1. Passion – "Hey, I'm good at sex, my iPhone says so." £2.99 Ever wondered if you're good in bed? You're probably not if you think it's a good idea to strap your iPhone to your arm during it. The Passion app uses the iPhone's microphone and accelerometer to award you a rating between 1 and 10 for your thrusting and groping. There's even a high scores feature: "Look honey, I scored a 9 with my last girlfriend."   2. Hold On! – "I'm feeling productive, holding on to this virtual button." £0.59 Got £0.59 you really don't need. Fritter it away on a game where the goal is to hold the button for as long as possible. It's a virtual Touch The Truck, only there's no expensive truck as a prize, just terrible, terrible crushing loneliness.      3. Purity Ring – "I am definitely not going to sleep with you. My iPhone says so." £0.59 Purity Rings are a peculiarly American invention, if you're rocking the ring, you're not going to be rocking the bed. Wearing one means you've taken the purity pledge and promised not to have sex until you're married. That's fine and dandy but do you really need to buy a virtual ring to stick on your iPhone?     4. R U Drunk – "I must have been drinking, I downloaded this terrible app." £1.79 A series of five tests to help you determine whether you're drunk or not. If you have to ask, you probably are.      5. Proposal "Will You Marry Me?" – "I'm too socially inept to ask you properly, so my iPhone will" £0.59 Managed to persuade a woman/man/individual-of-undisclosed gender to spend enough time with you that marriage might be on the cards? Don't bother actually saying it to them, just press the button on this app and shove it in front of them, jabbing your finger at the iPhone's screen insistently until they say yes or run away in tears.   6. Sim Stapler – "I'm bored of this real stapler. I'll use this virtual one on my iPhone. And then cry silently to myself".  £free Over-stimulated by The Sims, go basic with Sim Stapler. It's a virtual stapler. That's it. It makes us sad for humanity.      7. Touch Train – "This iPhone touchscreen baffles me. Help me, Touch Train!" £free If you're struggling to get your head round the iPhone's touchscreen, download Touch Train, hit the bullseye in the centre and practice until your consistently get within 10 pixels of the centre. Or go outside and talk to humans. They're the ones with faces.    8. Birth Buddy – "Hang on, before I give birth, let me get out this shoddy contraction calculator." £1.19If you're asking for your iPhone instead of enough painkillers to fell an enraged rhino, you're not giving birth properly. This Birth Buddy is just one of the many terrible pregnancy apps the iTunes App Store has to offer.    9. Teen Drug Use: 34 Warning Signs – "I think Johnny might be smoking that 'whacky tobacco'. Let me consult my iPhone." Downloading this application is one of the best signs that you should be on medication. An utterly poe-faced guide to spotting if your child has turned into a drug fiend. When they start climbing the walls, it's time to worry.     10. eShaver – "I'm feeling hirsuite. No point in properly shaving. Why not just rub my iPhone against my face." eShaver makes shaving noises as you rub it against your face. The developers say it "works like a real shaver", apart from, you know, actually removing hair from your face. Have you seen any truly terrifyingly awful iPhone apps? Let us know in the forums.