Enough is enough: Movie sequels that need to die in a fire

Please stop regurgitating content, Hollywood, we're sick of it

Sequelitis. The disease that movie studios have been suffering from since the dawn of time, or at least the dawn of movies.

People fall in love with stories and their characters and they don't want the dream to end - so in response studios happily churn out an endless stream of increasingly derivative sequels; to which fans vomit their contents of the wallets all over. But not all movies deserve a “part deux".

Well, someone call the sequel police, because we’ve had enough of these sequels on our movie screens! From movies that shouldn’t have made it past their first outing, to franchises that have beaten their dead horses into mush, these are our list of 12 movies that don’t need continuing - pay attention, movie moguls!

Star Wars

Who are we to take issue with a global phenomenon? Star Wars has inspired a universe of fiction and merchandising, and is worth at least 4 billion dollars to its creator. We’re not saying that Star Wars should cease and desist… but maybe it’s time for the movies to stop.

The latest installment of Star Wars has only been well received because that bar has been set so low (by the disastrous prequels), that fans are willing to accept anything that doesn’t totally suck. At the very least, the movies should depart from the original trilogy completely, and not pander to the nostalgia of the fans who grew up with Luke, Han, Leia and Chewie.

No Star Wars sequel can excel while being limited by the legacy of its predecessors as well as the demands of its fanbase. Let the main canon of Star Wars conclude so the storyverse has space for other stories - or the sequels will succumb to the mediocrity of crowd-pleasing once again.

Jurassic Park

What once was an intriguing movie about man trying to play God has been wrung dry of most of its originality and excitement. We think by now audiences should get it - humans shouldn’t be bioengineering animals that we can't actually casually swat awat. Dinosaurs fit into that category - end of story.

Jurassic World was basically built on exactly the same premise as Jurassic Park albeit with a dinosaur royal rumble tacked on as a finale. If the next sequels will all feature the same bland, forgettable and above all dumb, characters of Jurassic World then please, please let the franchise go extinct.

The Chipmunks  

Okay, despite actual real Chipmunks being disease filled tree-climbing rodents, Alvin and the Chipmunks were amusing… 30 years ago. They had a catchy theme song, and somehow as children, we never questioned why three chipmunks could talk, much less sing or play tiny instruments. So while we snorted at the idea of a live-action adaptation that no actual current children should be able to relate to, we tolerated it.

But three sequels later, the very sight of anything resembling a chipmunk could send us into a week-long litany of curses. The movies are continually rated abysmally by movie review sites, yet somehow keep escaping the sequel scrapyard. Is there an army of one year olds consistently buying movie tickets to watch this garbage or something? We suppose the answer is a horrifying yes. 

Twilight

The tween movie franchise that singularly made vampires and werewolves uncool, the Twilight trilogy spawned four movies (because Hollywood sucks at basic arithmetic). And now there’s talks on there possibly being a new Twilight movie, entitled Midnight Sun. Really - who is trying to bring this franchise back? Haven’t the teenage girls that powered these movie grown into slightly more discerning adults by now?

Even Robert Pattinson openly hates on these movies, and he’s the lead character in all of them. If there are any real vampires or werewolves out there, now would be the time to stand up and fight against another installment of tween lust pandering misrepresentation. Whoever can stand to watch Kristen Stewart sleepwalk through another one of these mindless cash-grabs should be strapped to a rocketship, just to make a point.

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