We won’t know who wins Best Picture till tomorrow, but you know what they say, everyone’s a winner. And in that vein, these are the awards we think the nominees for Best Picture truly deserve.
The Wolf of Wall Street
Alternative award: Most Unnecessarily Lengthy Movie
We get it. Being a trader gets you lots of drugs and women. Is there really a need to harp on all that hedonistic excess for three whole hours? Even Titanic had more scene diversity than this.
12 Years a Slave
Alternative award: Most Depressing Film Ever
If you’re feeling suicidal, avoid watching 12 Years a Slave. The violence, cruelty, and painful reality of the movie about a free man stolen from his family, sold to slavery and finally returning home after 12 years (yes, read the title) will make even the most emotionally well-balanced want to curl up in a corner and cry themselves to sleep.
Alternative award: Biggest Downer of an Ending
Revolving around one woman’s search for the son she was forced to give up 50 years ago, the film sets the audience up to expect a happy reunion for Judi Dench and her son, because come on, there’s an old lady involved. Hey, don’t hate us for spoiling it for you. We did warn you that these alternative awards are going to be painfully honest.
Alternative award: Most Colourful Monochromatic Film
The black and white format might look bleak, but give it a chance and Nebraska will surprise you with its cast of colourful characters. What do you expect when it’s about an elderly man who insists on walking to Lincoln, Nebraska to pick up his non-existent US$1million sweepstakes prize money, and his son who goes along with it?