iRig Stomp I/O (£292)
Stomp on your iPad and the loudest sounds will probably be ones of pure, unprocessed anger. Stomp on this iPad-connected pedal board, on the other hand, and you'll have a world of tones at your feet.
Good for both studio work and live performances – in your living room, naturally – the multi-tool packs a pedal, a pre-amp and a plethora of ports, all for the cause of both simplifying and enhancing your efforts at musical expression. And getting your stomp on, of course.
Blackstar Fly 3 (£79)
Blasting through your bedroom wall with a stack amp and a power chord might sound very rock and roll, but there's nothing cool about cleaning plaster out of your fake Stratocaster for months on end.
Keep things petite with the stocking-friendly Fly 3. No, it won't tear down the house like hearing's going out of fashion, but with Bluetooth on board, an hours-long battery life and an MP3 input if you need it, it's all the practice amp you could ever want – and you don't need a van to move it.
DigiTech Trio+ (£199)
Lonely this Christmas? Serves you right for scaring off the band with that 18-minute wah-wah solo. Then again, backing musicians were so 2017.
Show the quitters who's boss with this all-star pedal: now equipped with an added looper, the Trio+ creates bass and drum parts on the fly in response to what you play. Simply pick a genre, a style and a tempo, then start jamming – no tantrums necessary.
Vox Amplug 2 Bass (£35)
Bass players are unpopular for many reasons – but, besides the hygiene thing, the huge, floor-warping noise they make is surely chief among them.
While deep-frequency strumming has its place, it's not what you need after a five-pint Tuesday and a 2am kebab. Keep your housemate's house-shaking habit in check with this headphone amp from Vox, which will confine all that wumpy noise to their ears alone – unless they're into slap.
Audio-Technica ATH-M60x (£179)
Mastering your latest LP with a set of budget earbuds is like buying a Picasso and wrapping it in a £1 frame from the clearance store.
Bring some fidelity to your festivities with these studio cans from Audio-Technica: equipped with 45mm large-aperture drivers, keen listeners should find plenty of previously hidden detail in the mix – whether during your pots and pans solo or that bit where Uncle Terry stumbles into the studio during your kazoo solo. Which is why you shouldn't record in the downstairs bathroom.
Abbey Road Online Mastering (£108)
Much as his saw and hammer tracks bring something earthy and real to the experimental genre, it's a stretch to send Dad's DIY ensemble out of the shed and down to the world-famous Abbey Road studios to record a debut.
Do the next best thing and upload his master files to the website: the expert engineers will fix the mixes up a treat, before delivering Nails In Plywood (Banging Sounds) to your old man in whichever format he wants. Except tape.
Moog Theremini (£246)
Certain sources suggest that 78% of all sounds used in sci-fi films were created by a theremin. That could be fake news, but the wibbly wobbly power of Bob Moog's baby is very much a fact: with pitch controlled by the position of your hand relative to the antenna, there's no way to recreate its spooky sonic outputs on any keyboard.
And now it's back, albeit in reimagined form. Meet the Moog Theremini – a compact, fully featured version of the same tech that packs 32 voices and assisted pitch correction, in case the wobbliness gets a bit too, well, wobbly.