It’s a well-known fact that Alexey Pajitnov, the guy who invented Tetris, never got a penny for developing one of the most popular games of all time. It’s also untrue: Pajitnov began earning royalties in 1996, and still does. However, he’s never made a game that came close to Tetris’s elegant simplicity.
And neither has Andrew Herzman, from Long Island, NY. Herzman’s game, Qopel, is comfortably one of the worst ever made. It’s designed to be ‘much like Tetris’ in that it features falling blocks, but where Tetris has a confusion of different shapes, Qopel has squares. Yep, it's just squares. They do change colour as they descend jerkily down the screen, but the background is a dark grey-blue. Some of the blocks are grey, some are blue. Most are quite difficult to see - it has, Herzman is quick to point out, none of the ‘flashy graphics’ that ruin other games.
Oh, and it costs at least US$5: more than The Room, more than Year Walk or Ridiculous Fishing. Or at least it would have done, if anyone had bought it. They didn’t.
Asked for: US$3000
Got: US$0 (0%)
Cheevos: the Movie
It’s difficult to tell if this pitch for a movie is the work of a very clever comedian or a very massive idiot. We’re going with the former, because we can't believe this person actually exists. Although the trailer doesn't really make the plot clear, the film begins with the main character, Bboy360 (full name Bboy Krust Dog 360) celebrating 100,000 Xbox 360 Achievements or ‘Cheevos’, as they are apparently called by his fellow idiots. He is elated until he discovers that another gamer - and a female one, at that - has more Gamer Points than him.
From there it'snot clear what exactly Bboy 360 thinks will happen, but the film’s US$150,000 budget seems to be mostly dedicated to flying other gamers to LA to go to a basketball game and a nightclub with him. Oh, and there’s breakdancing. Lots and lots of breakdancing. At one point he breakdances on an iPad, which is either a great piece of planned physical comedy or just a cretin flailing about on a broken computer.
Asked for: US$150,000
Got: US$232 (0.15%)
The parental responsibility abnegation device
“Darling, I’m just going to check on the baby.”
“Oh, don’t bother.”
“Really? I thought we were supposed to...”
“Yeah, we’re supposed to, but guess what: I bought a Baby’s Fairy. It’s like a big man’s wristwatch that you attach to your tiny child, and then you have this monitor that tells you if it’s still, you know…”
“Yeah! So stop fretting and let’s open another box of wine, okay?”
Asked for: US$50,000
Got: US$5741 (11.5%)
The problem with selfies is that taking endless pictures of your own face is moronic. But the other problem with selfies is that they’re taken too close to your face. So obviously the solution is to carry around a telescopic golf club with a Bluetooth button that lets you hold your phone another three feet away, allowing you to take slightly better terrible pictures. Because otherwise you’d have to use self-timer or ask someone else to take a picture of you, and that would just be awful.
Asked for: £8000
Got: £1088 (13.6%)
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