Advertisers, Mark Zuckerberg’s bank manager and the US security services all agree: Facebook is a wonderful thing.
But what if, as Robert Kilroy Silk might put it, you’re not there to share, but to shaft? How would you behave if you came to Facebook not to enjoy it, but to destroy it? We think you’d act rather like this.
1. Spoil TV shows
It’s the show everyone is talking about. It doesn’t hit Netflix for another nine hours. You torrented the US broadcast at 2am and now you’ll make damn sure that all your friends wake up to discover that, OMG, Skyler cooked Walt in a pot, ate his brains and stole all his drugs. [No, that isn’t really how it ends. What kind of people do you think we are?]
2. Circulating the crazy
Coke is made of rats’ wee! Facebook wants to ban pictures of nativity scenes! Bulgarians are kidnapping our cats! Don’t let “facts” and “science” and “the Daily Mail made it up” get in the way of your scaremongering: just chuck any old garbage into your news feed, use the most inflammatory language imaginable and refuse to listen to reason.
3. Inspiring everyone
A News Feed isn’t a News Feed if it doesn’t contain at least 300 trite bumper-sticker quotes rendered in horrible fonts over pictures of sunsets, clouds and angels. The less sense they make, the better: why not put “My favourite colour is October” over a picture of an angry monkey?
4. Liveblogging your kids
There’s nothing more fascinating than other people’s kids - so why not post real-time updates of every single unremarkable thing your offspring does? No detail is too small to share, and of course one day, when he or she is all grown up, there won’t be any embarrassment, fury or vows to put you in a home at the first sign of drooling.