Jason Godfrey: 10 ways to game in peace without the girlfriend

4) Invest in a Live Action Teddy Bear

"Otherwise known as a ‘rich girl dog’. Get a poodle, a tiny poodle, a tiny toy poodle, a miniscule tiny toy poodle or whatever the tiniest little rodent masquerading as a dog is out there right now. Girls are powerless to the attraction of cuddling such an animal and can do so for hours. Yes, just like you endlessly play video games.

Note: headphones are important to drone out the barking and your girlfriend telling you to walk the dog."

5) Be A Girl’s Night Proponent

"Get the phone numbers of your girl’s closest and rowdiest friends and constantly start group chats called, “Girl’s Night this Wednesday” whenever you need some gaming time. Use your best ad copy voice to craft a text to whip them into an all-girl party frenzy, i.e. Girl Power Tonight! We NEED to get margaritas and discuss Christian Grey casting choices IMMEDIATELY!

Nobody really checks who started those group chats. After the first couple of replies, the Girl’s Night idea will become a monster of its own, hopefully spinning off into a full fledged Girl’s Vacation, leaving you with some guilt-free gaming time.

This solution increases the chances of your girl leaving you for some non-gaming, party dude that bench presses the weight of a Kia car. Life is all about risk."

More after the break...

6) Familiarise Your Girlfriend with the works of Bertrand Russell

"Noted philosopher Bertrand Russell has the smart kid quotes to justify your gaming addiction. From “the road to happiness lies in an organized diminution of work” to the often slacker quote “the time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time”, the idea that leisure is a worthwhile pursuit carries more weight coming from a noted 20th century analytical thinker.

Plus, Russell was a British nobleman, who can argue with that? Just be wary of using Berty’s, “to be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness”. That is clearly a double-edged sword."

7) Sell Her on Video Games as Art

"Increasingly, the consensus is that games equate to art. In fact, The Smithsonian, the world’s largest museum, recently added two video games to their collection.

Become versed in critiquing art and don’t discuss the games in terms of weaponry and disembowelments; instead discuss textures, tones, and shapes. Use obtuse critiquing prose to dazzle your girl into appreciating the digital art she is experiencing.

If you can convince her that running people over with a fire truck in Grand Theft Auto is akin to appreciating Whistler’s Mother, then she'll be pleased at how art moves you on such a deep level that you are able to spend countless days on games."

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