Become Batman on a budget

When Bruce Wayne decided he wanted to become a kitted-out crime-fighting vigilante, he had the luxury of a massive fortune to draw on. But what if your Wayne Manor is a suburban semi and your Batmobile is a black Ford Focus? Here you’ll find some (reasonably) affordable gear for your own Utility Belt – and if you want a shiny black nipple-toting suit, you can go and find that yourself.

We assume our readers are sensible sorts, but nevertheless we must say: please, please do not venture out into the streets and get yourself beaten up/arrested by attempting to use any of this gear to “fight crime” in your local shopping precinct. THIS IS JUST FOR FUN.

Grappling hook and rope

$195 (£125), Botach Tactical
£3/metre, Rope Locker
Alas, we couldn’t find an actual Batarang we’d trust to hold the body weight of a grown man, but this military-grade collapsible grappling hook, made from lightweight aluminium, measures less than 12 inches and looks suitably mean – especially if spray painted black. Add some climbing rope (also black, natch) and you’ll be scaling the walls like a ninja in no time.

Smoke grenade

£15, TLSFx
Who among us has not at one time wanted to leave an awkward situation by hurling a smoke bomb on the ground and disappearing “in the confusion”? Well, if you’ve got a spare £15 you can do just that: designed to provide cover for paintball enthusiasts, the M14 can also aid your escape from a gang of miscreants.

ALX Tactical Multi Tool

£140, Leatherman
Batman’s Utility Belt means he’s never far from any tool he needs, and this Leatherman tool gives you a similar level of preparedness. Knife, pliers, wire-cutters, saw, screwdrivers, tin opener – it’s all here, and the black oxide finish looks extremely appropriate.

Yukon Tracker night vision goggles

£465, Amazon
Bats use a form of sonar to “see” in the dark, but modern Batman – and you – will generally rely on good old infra-red NVGs. Sadly we couldn’t find any small enough to integrate into a cowl, Bats-style, but these are hands-free, weigh less than a kilo and allow you to see up to 150m.