Oscars Schmoscars: Stuff’s alternative awards for Best Picture nominees

Her

Alternative award: Most Unnatural, Unholy, and Unhealthy Romantic Film

While King Kong gives it a good run for its money for that same award, Her still gets our vote for the unhealthiest relationship in film history. Don’t try to distract us from that fact with the arthouse angles and Joaquin Phoenix’s forlorn gazes. Oh, and thanks for giving phone sex a literal meaning. P.S: Samantha already exists in the form of this cube.

Gravity

Alternative award: Most Terrifying Non-Horror Movie

No one warned us that Gravity would be this scary. For a drama, it did an unexpectedly good job at making us almost shit our pants with the hopelessness of a space mission gone wrong, the many near-misses, and the surprising number of dead people floating around in zero gravity. Not even Paranormal Activity was this scary.

More after the break...

Dallas Buyers Club

Alternative award: Film with the Biggest Identity Issues

Didn’t recognise Matthew McConaughey? Neither did we. The actor who’s always seen with his shirt off lost a total of 21kg to play HIV-infected Ron Woodroof. We could have sworn it was Christian Bale from The Machinist. But it’s not just him who’s nearly unidentifiable in the film, there’s also Jared Leto who plays an incredibly convincing transgender woman.

Captain Phillips

Alternative award: Best Film to Make a Case for On-Land Living

Best not to watch this movie on a full stomach; all that rolling around and pitching in high seas is enough to make anyone queasy. Also, while pirates might seem nice and jolly in cartoons, they’re not the friendliest people around in real life. See, this is why we were given legs to live on land.

American Hustle

Alternative award: Most Untrue Film to be Based on an Actual Event

You can sort of expect it from the “some of this actually happened” disclaimer at the start of the movie. The basis for the window-smashing scene, character information, and the extent of roles in the storyline deviate quite a bit from the truth. But there’s one thing that you can’t make up, and that’s the four hours it took to create Christian Bale’s artificial chest hair in the movie. 

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