5. Offering inappropriate opinions
Friends posting photos? Why not comment on their imperfections or outfits, or go into great detail about the rude things you’d like to do to the other person in the photo? Inappropriate sexual comments are particularly effective when the other person is their partner, priest or pet.
6. Telling the truth about their baby photos
What are they going to do, come round and fight you? They’re new parents! They’re so tired they can barely stand up!
7. Being melodramatic and mysterious
Give just enough information to be intriguing, but not so much that anybody has the faintest idea what or who you’re talking about. “I can’t BELIEVE he did that!” is good. “Someone’s going to get what they deserve. You know who you are” is even better.
8. Posting terrible things
The Facebook scandal du jour is people posting beheading videos, which Facebook says is okay provided you’re doing it to show how much you hate people being beheaded. That probably means it’s okay to post all kinds of gore on your feed, especially around mealtimes and first thing in the morning when people are checking Facebook on the train. Whatever you do, though, don’t post photos of breastfeeding, because the sight of a nipple is far, far worse than video of people getting their heads chopped off.
9. Silently stalking
Pick one person in your friends list and make sure you never miss a single thing they post. Then, whenever they update anything, Like it. Never comment, or reply, or interact in any other way. Just Like. Photo of their gran? Like. Comment on someone else’s baby photo? Like. Heartfelt cry of alienation and despair? Like.
10. Uploading everything
Don’t bother editing your holiday photos: just upload the lot, so everyone can see all 700 photos you took of a sardine when you were swimming. Give it a few days and then start posting passive-aggressive messages about the lack of comments, Likes and shares you’ve received.
11. Terrible tagging
Once you’ve uploaded those photos, don’t forget to tag them - even if nobody you know is in them, and the people in the photos don’t look anything like the people you’re tagging. Bonus points if you also post one of those cartoons and tag your friends according to their character traits.