Defend your desk: Stuff's strategy guide to workplace diplomacy

A Portal 2 Sentry Gun, a spy camera pen, and an iPhone controlled missile turret – become a workplace warrior with these gadgets

Don’t be deceived by friendly tea runs and comfy swivel chairs – the office is a battleground and should be treated thusly. Arm yourself with these top desk defences so you can feel truly secure in your home away from home.

Portal 2 USB Sentry Gun

US$40 (£25) thinkgeek.com

Defend your desk: Stuff's strategy guide to workplace diplomacy - Portal 2 USB Sentry Gun 2

Any Portal-playing veteran will start running upon hearing the words, "I see you." All others who wander in the motion detecting, USB-powered Sentry Turret’s path will be met with wings opening and bullets flying (well, bullet sound effects). If that’s not enough to scare them off at least you’ll hear the guns – or, when it’s knocked over, phrases like "critical error" and "I don’t hate you." Then you can teleport them to the other side of the office with your Portal gun.

Spy Camera Pen

£38 find-me-a-gift.co.uk

Defend your desk: Stuff's strategy guide to workplace diplomacy - Spy Camera Pen 2

What better way to hide a covert camera than in plain sight? Plonk this fully working pen with micro camera in your pen pot and even when you’re away your desk is being watched – for up to 15 hours before filling the 2GB memory. Recharge (after the 1 hour of life it offers when unplugged) and transfer files via USB ready to catch that office pen thief. Unless they've stolen the spy camera pen, of course.

More after the break...

iLaunch Rocket Launcher for iPhone

US$80 (£50) thinkgeek.com

Defend your desk: Stuff's strategy guide to workplace diplomacy - iLaunch Rocket Launcher for iPhone 2

Defend your desk with ground to air missiles that fire 25 feet, all controlled from your iPhone. Hiding beneath your desk while firing is optional.

Condiment Gun

£16 firebox.com

Defend your desk: Stuff's strategy guide to workplace diplomacy - Condiment Gun 2

If all other lines of defence have failed and you’ve fallen back with nothing but some sauce packets or a bottle of ketchup left over from lunch – you can still survive. Load up the condiment gun and everyone will cower back in fear. Alternatively use it to source friends by distributing flavour to everyone’s sarnies.

Stinger Missile RC Helicopter

£25 red5.co.uk

Defend your desk: Stuff's strategy guide to workplace diplomacy - Stinger Missile RC Helicopter 2

Sometimes the best defence is a good offence. Send the Stinger chopper into enemy territory and obliterate all threats with a barrage of 6 missiles and dazzling lights while auto hovering. Just don't go crashing it into people's faces.

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