When Bruce Wayne decided he wanted to become a kitted-out crime-fighting vigilante, he had the luxury of a massive fortune to draw on. But what if your Wayne Manor is a suburban semi and your Batmobile is a black Ford Focus? Here you’ll find some (reasonably) affordable gear for your own Utility Belt – and if you want a shiny black nipple-toting suit, you can go and find that yourself.
We assume our readers are sensible sorts, but nevertheless we must say: please, please do not venture out into the streets and get yourself beaten up/arrested by attempting to use any of this gear to “fight crime” in your local shopping precinct. THIS IS JUST FOR FUN.
$195 (£125), Botach Tactical
£3/metre, Rope Locker
Alas, we couldn’t find an actual Batarang we’d trust to hold the body weight of a grown man, but this military-grade collapsible grappling hook, made from lightweight aluminium, measures less than 12 inches and looks suitably mean – especially if spray painted black. Add some climbing rope (also black, natch) and you’ll be scaling the walls like a ninja in no time.
Grappling hook and rope
Who among us has not at one time wanted to leave an awkward situation by hurling a smoke bomb on the ground and disappearing “in the confusion”? Well, if you’ve got a spare £15 you can do just that: designed to provide cover for paintball enthusiasts, the M14 can also aid your escape from a gang of miscreants.
Batman’s Utility Belt means he’s never far from any tool he needs, and this Leatherman tool gives you a similar level of preparedness. Knife, pliers, wire-cutters, saw, screwdrivers, tin opener – it’s all here, and the black oxide finish looks extremely appropriate.
Bats use a form of sonar to “see” in the dark, but modern Batman – and you – will generally rely on good old infra-red NVGs. Sadly we couldn’t find any small enough to integrate into a cowl, Bats-style, but these are hands-free, weigh less than a kilo and allow you to see up to 150m.
More after the break...
$250 (£160), Scuba Toys
If you find yourself trapped in a sinking ship/car/safe, having one of these about your person may well save your life. Despite its tiny size, it carries 1.7 cubic feet of oxygen – that’s the equivalent of 30 breaths – which will give you time to escape and swim back to the surface.
ALX Tactical Multi Tool
$600 (£385), Clifford
You may not own a Batmobile that can drive itself, but this fob offers keyless entry, remote start and a ton of remote security features that work from up to a mile away.
£390, Body Armour Protection
Again, if you want a fully armoured Batsuit you’re going to have to build it yourself, but more… normal body armour is readily available. This shirt (available in black!) can withstand bullets and knives, but is designed for comfort too – which is super important when you’re grapping down the side of your local asylum for the criminally insane in pursuit of your nemesis.
Yukon Tracker night vision goggles
$590 (£380), Shark Shield
It may not be the can of sprayable shark repellant that Adam West’s Batman famously had to hand on the one occasion he was attacked by a shark, but it’s the closest we could find. The device creates an electrical wave form that stimulates an approaching shark’s sensory sacs in a safe but uncomfortably way, driving the beasts away before they get close enough to make you lunch.