We love the internet. We'd marry it if we could. It feeds us cat videos in the office, lets us stalk our friends on the train, and allows us to order cheese-in-a-can from the other side of the world at 3am.
It's also home to a selection of hilarious Amazon reviews for products so ridiculous that they deserve each and every word of the sarcasm-laced reviews they're subjected to.
Here are some of our favourites:
The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China (US$470)
This riveting book addresses a question that's plagued us for as long as we can remember. Namely; just how popular will wooden toilet seats be in China?
Will they be shunned for their plastic counterparts? Will they be burned for wood? Will they be rejected after a pandemic of splinter-ridden backsides? This in-depth tome covers it all, from every angle imaginable.
Paul Ross box canvas print (£100)
These words are completely unnecessary.
If you don’t know why you want this masterpiece hanging above your fireplace basking you and your family in its radiant glow, then you don’t deserve to have it.
Worth ten times the asking price.
BIC For Her: Medium Ballpoint Pen (£15)
Ever since our cat Professor Tibbles started playing with this pen, his aggressive behaviour has all but disappeared.
No longer does he claw at our faces while we’re trying to enjoy our lunchtime tuna sandwich, and he’s no longer marking his territory on our office couch. He can even make cupcakes now. With sprinkles and everything.
10/10 would buy again.
How to Avoid Huge Ships (£248)
We’re writing this review huddled under our desks as a large ship menacingly prowls the waters of Teddington Lock just outside of Stuff Towers.
We’re praying that our copy of How to Avoid Huge Ships is delivered in time to save us from our messy fate.
AutoExec Wheelmate Steering Wheel (US$25)
Finally Stuff.tv can run 24 hours a day without pesky commutes getting in the way.
Coupled with the joys of M25 traffic, the fun never stops. Until the boys in blue pull us over to ask where they can get their own. We’re always happy to help.
World's Most Expensive Computer Mouse - The exclusive 'Diamond Flower' (£15,000)
While the 58 diamonds on this mouse sparkle wonderfully when bathed in the light of our monitor, we’re not sure it was worth giving up our membership to the Ivy.
It should at least leave a trail of glitter behind it on the desk for this money. A little disappointed but we suppose we’ll keep it.
Professor Tibbles has become rather attached to it.
Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable (US$10,000)
High-quality copper wire. A rounded plug lever on the connector to prevent bending or breaking. Designed to eliminate adverse effects from vibration. This cable has it all. We’d marry it if we could, but those damn conservatives have yet to pass the human-cable marriage law. Those uptight, backwards…
Kleenex Facial Tissue, White (US$31)
We can’t beat the review above without entering the lowest levels of derogatory filth.
So all we’re going to comment on is that our noses aren’t at all irritated by these tissues.
And that’s all we have to say about that.